The subject may be more complex than it seems, because undoing what has been done or denying what has been said is never possible. Something remains of this discomfort on both sides. However, when the relationship is valuable, one must find the way to reconciliation after a big discussion.
Sometimes the conflict happens simply because something was said at a bad time. At other times, this is because there are already inadequate patterns within the relationship. Whatever the case, these tips can help you know how to reconcile after a big discussion.
How to reconcile after discussion: the first step
If the discussion was very strong and hurt the feelings, the best is not to try to fix everything quickly. Probably things are still “hot” and it will be difficult to react calmly to any word the other says.
Taking a certain distance helps to stabilize emotions. In the beginning, you always see the other’s mistake. With the days, the common thing is that we also begin to see our own failures. In other words, some time and some distance are factors that help to broaden the perspective of the problem.
Analyze the feelings involved
It is very important to reflect on what exactly happened before the discussion. Was there any factor that changed the mood? Analyzing this allows identifying the possible external elements that influenced the conflict. If you were tired, hungry or upset about something, it is possible that you simply got carried away for a bad time.
On the other hand, if everything was calm and apparently normal, and even so, if a strong conflict was triggered, one might think that the subject is more substantial. Fear, guilt, repressed anger or similar feelings. In this way it will be possible to find the path to reconciliation.
The constructive dialogue
What follows is to look for the other person to start a dialogue. It is necessary to do it at the right time. It is not convenient to speed up the processes because of the desire to be reconciled quickly after the discussion. You must read the other person’s signs and see if he or she still feels very hurt or if the anger has stabilized.
First you must tell the person you want to talk to to clarify what happened. If your answer is reluctant, it certainly needs a little more time. If you agree, if possible, the best thing is to look for a different place than usual, which is quiet.
Basically, you should expose what you feel and how you feel. Talk about how the other person’s attitudes or words made you feel. Refer only to your feelings. Do not try to guess or attribute feelings to the other person. This is the responsibility of the other person, whom you should listen to attentively without interruptions.
If, when talking, you realize that everything happened simply because you were driven by impulses, it is convenient to analyze the patterns of the relationship. Is it very common for this to happen? Why is there no control over emotional reactions? What can be done to give a more mature treatment to emotions?
What follows is to validate the feelings of the other and take responsibility for them. In other words, it is convenient for each one to express to the other that they understand their feelings and that they regret having hurt them. It is also important to recognize what part of the responsibility corresponds to you in the situation.
Forgiving and healing
Mutual forgiveness is a pact that both people must be willing to fulfill. It means the commitment of the will not to fall back into the mistakes that caused the discussion. It is advisable that this forgiveness be mutual. Perhaps one of the two was more aggressive, but to fight always takes two.
If a similar situation occurs again, it is necessary to review the patterns in which the relationship is maintained. Often, without realizing it, we introduce inappropriate ways of relating to others. This is a deeper case, which must be examined carefully.
Sometimes the path to reconciliation after a long discussion is relatively clear. Other times, not so much. In the latter case, a constructive dialogue may not be enough and a deeper process is needed.